Sometimes, I cut myself in places people can never see. I do it because… in that split moment when the blade touches my skin and the blood starts to spill, the physical pain overtakes the mental pain. It’s never because I’m trying to kill myself, no no… I just don’t have the courage. No matter how badly I wish it.
Imaginary friends, children have them… right?
Confession: So do I.
At 23, does that make me crazy? Let me explain.
They’re not exactly imaginary, with just one exception. Mostly, my imaginary friends are my current close friends behaving the way I would want them to behave under given circumstances. For example, when I’m really upset and crying a lot, I imagine said best friend giving me long hugs and soothing me. I have to imagine because a, my best friends live in different countries and b, they’re not really the hugging type. And as for the exception, that is the friend who knows me to my very core, and gives me all the long hugs that I want. Someone who I’m not shy or embarrassed in front of, someone I can share every single detail of my thoughts with without having to give it a second thought. My only unreal, imaginary friend.
Again, does that make me crazy?
Where I live, life can get pretty lonely most of the time. I have lots of friends, just not ones I can open up to easily. But that’s not why I have these “imaginary” friends, I’ve always had them and I just can’t let go. Until the last few years of my life, I never fell asleep without crying. My life’s been a mess for as long as I can remember, and every single night, I couldn’t help but cry. What helped me sleep were my imaginary friends, comforting me in every possible way. It made me feel good. Now, when I cry and I try to calm myself with help from these friends, I end up crying even more. I realized I’m not so naïve anymore, my mind isn’t as fragile as it used to be.
Now, when I have to conjure up my illusionary friends, I feel a void in my chest that hurts even more, that makes me cry even harder. That empty, lonely feeling… it drives me to my edge. I wish I could be just as non-existent in this world. Because now, more than ever before, I want my unreal friend to spring to life, I want those warm hugs I’ve craved all these years. But I know I can’t have them, and it tears me apart.